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Many guys walk through a forest of plastic shampoo bottles entering the shower. It is a zoo of potions and promises, caged by the women in our lives. For most guys with just one lone bottle of stuff to wash their hair, this is a confusing safari. Here is a light-hearted look into all the fellow inhabitants of your shower stall or bathtub next time you turn on the hot water.

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 Not So Evil Scientist

The Story:  Look for words that say fade resistant or keeps color longer.  When your woman has this shampoo, it is soon after she has made a dramatic change in her hair color and doesn’t want it to wash down the drain.

Shelf Life:  Six to eight weeks, depending on how much she paid the salon for that last hair color. If she ever changes hair color dramatically back to the old hue, throw it out yourself. She isn’t coming back to it.

 Jilted Lover

The Story:  This bottle seems to have the last 20 percent left in it forever. The truth is that she has grown tired of it. While you hope she may someday return, don’t hold your breath.

Shelf Life:  Forever, unless you step in. Take a sharpie marker and write a date on the bottom and mark the level.  If the level doesn’t change after 45 days, she isn’t coming back. If this brand of shampoo is very mild and gentle, I suggest you let either the kids or the dogs use it.

 Carney Barker

The Story: These are the shampoos advertised on shows like Ellen, Pretty Little Liars and The Bachelor.  With Ford Agency models, quick cut edits and pulsing music, they are the reason your woman doesn’t get up during the commercials. They said they would do this. The promised they would do this.  More often than not, all they do is get her hair clean.

Shelf Life: One Week, until the next episode of the show.

 Green Eyed Monster Potion

The Story: This is the shampoo that little miss so and so with the perfect hair, perfect body and seemingly perfect life uses.  While that woman in question does in fact have great hair, your woman has also excluded that the woman question gets up an hour early to set her hair, while your woman runs a quick brush through it and resigns herself to not getting the same result.

Shelf Life: Every time for the next six months that your woman knows she will be in the same room with little miss so and so.  Bonus Points if you tell her you like her hair that day.

 The Investment

The Story:  This shampoo is sold exclusively at the finest salons and represents a purchase akin to an financial instrument like a stock or bond. It is worth every penny, simply because it is as solid an investment as is out there.

Shelf Life: Two-thirds of the bottle.  It may or may not be worth the money, but some other shampoo listed here is going to broadside the claims that this one makes. Then, it is so over.

 The Tag Team –  a/k/a Shampoo and Conditioner

The Story:    These two slow down the cleaning process to make sure the cleaning goes first and the conditioning goes second. The scary part is that one of these will be used up faster than the other.  The shampoo may be almost empty, but the conditioner is still somewhere behind the label.

Shelf Life: One is destined to be the jilted lover. The other one may get used during the day when your woman gives herself a bit of TLC and holds up in the bathroom for two to three hours.

 The Romantic Thief

The Story:  This one is actually the shampoo you use. Some woman will grab a whiff of your stuff because they miss you or want to feel close to you. From there, some will wash it down the drain and others will use it because it extends that longing for you all day. From the same part of her brain that borrows your favorite sweatshirt when you’re not around.  File this under hopeless romantic.

Shelf Life:  As long as it takes for you to use it up. She’s only going to do this here and there.

For as long as women have had hair (forever), the burning inner need to do something different with it has existed. Washing it with some new shampoo tames the inner Medusa she feels about her current color and cut.

WORDS TO LIVE BY: Next time you see a new bottle of something in the shower, a well placed compliment might just help both of you.

— wdl

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